First Love

When I was a sophomore in high school I met the boy who would become the biggest catalyst of change in my life. He went from being the quiet, awkward kid who hung out in one of the groups I spent my breaks with and had no interest in romantically to someone I couldn't live without and would do anything for to the person I came to live in fear of, for myself and the child he wanted nothing to do with.

Anything I know about healthy relationships I had to learn on my own. I come from a very big, very dysfunctional family; for as long as I've been alive and even before - and probably until they die - the Cycle of Violence has been an underlying way of life, the code of conduct our family values were based off of. So although this boy treated me poorly, I was not completely innocent. I would instigate verbal arguments - because I thought that, partnered with making up, would give our relationship validation - and I highly doubt I went a day without honing my skills of psychological and emotional warfare, using him as a practice field - something I grew up believing everyone spent their lives perfecting.

I learned what it was like to completely lose myself in another person, to have feelings so extreme that I had to find deliberate, external releases and to feel helplessly stuck in my own stubbornness and - although I didn't know it then - ignorance. I broke... and I stayed broken... for a very long time... but I've spent the last few years building myself up, surrounding myself with healthy, loving people, falling down, picking myself up - and asking for help when I couldn't do it alone - and learning who I am and working to be the person I want to be.